my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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