I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
