Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
