My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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