So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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