Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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