I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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