I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
