guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
