a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
