i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
