I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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