I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
