i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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