i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
