every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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