what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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