the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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