i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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