The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
