God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize