Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
