Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
