Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
