Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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