my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
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Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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