Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
