I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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