Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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