Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We are all done wearing pants today
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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