My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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