I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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