i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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