I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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