Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
