Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
