Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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