I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
