the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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