I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
