you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
