One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
