no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
