i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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