Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
