I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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