sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
