Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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