note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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