I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
