mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
