I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
