i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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