Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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